I Don’t Want to Go to Prison

May 17, 2017

Super Baby DonDon is scared. I thought this job would be easy, that I could just BS my way through it as I had with everything else. But no. Apparently there are rules.

Rules suck.

When I go outside now, I hear people chanting “Lock him up, lock him up, lock him up!”

Oh, that sounds awful. I need a new FBI director who can protect me bigly. But thus far the 47 people I’ve contacted about becoming head of the FBI have said, “Are you out of your freakin’ mind? If I’m going to destroy my reputation, I at least want to have some fun while doing it.”

Remarkable, they all say the same thing.

Prison would be so bad for me. I don’t think you get two scoops of ice cream every night in prison.

I don’t want to get golden showers from smelly, hairy men with Death to Baby DonDon tattoos. I don’t want to share a cell with a man who’s had breast augmentation surgery.

And then there’s the sex. It’s the wrong kind of sex! When I hear the “Lock him up” chants, the little voice inside me yells “Lubricant! Lubricant! Lubricant!”

Do you have any good ideas to help me survive this? I’ll pay you. Well, not really, but I will sign your invoice.

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Andrew Feinberg is the author of Four Score and Seven, a novel that imagines Abe Lincoln comes back to life for two weeks during the 2016 campaign and encounters a candidate who, some say, resembles Donald Trump. It is available on Amazon. He is the author or co-author of five non-fiction books. His political journalism and humor have appeared in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Playboy, GQ, Barron's and Kiplinger's Personal Finance.

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