What Ailes Me

May 18, 2017

Super Baby DonDon is very mad and very sad. I am mad that my dickdrop deputy AG Rod Rosenstein appointed Robert Mueller as a special counsel to stick a proctoscope up the rectum of my administration.

And I am sad that one of the great all-time pussy-grabbers, Roger Ailes, has gone to that great safe space in the sky where gold-digging women can no longer harass him with lawsuits. Without Roger, there would be no President Super Baby DonDon, so attention must be paid.

To honor Roger, I want every man to touch the lap of the woman next to him. Go on, you can do it. No verbal introduction is necessary.

And then I want you to re-read this piece about a conversation Roger and I had last September.

September 16, 2016

We all need a break from the birther crap and Baby DonDon will give you an amazing one. You’ll be a fly on the wall of a chat I had yesterday with my non-adviser adviser friend Roger Ailes, my favorite special-needs heterosexual.

So, non-adviser Roger, I heard you’re up for an award this year.

Yeah, Baby DonDon, I’ve been nominated for Media Sex Creep of the Year. But I’m up against Bill Cosby so I’ll probably lose.

I don’t know, non-adviser Roger, you might deserve it more.

Well, Baby DonDon, it’s out of my groping hands for now. But I wanted to tell you about a different demographic the campaign should target: sex workers. And I think I can be a great help here.

Aren’t all women sex workers?

At Fox, sure, if I had anything to do with it.

(Non-adviser Roger and I then laughed long—and hard—at that one.)

How DID you find so many blondes, non-adviser Roger?

It’s not as easy as you think. They have to be hot and smart—but not too smart. I think I made a mistake with Megan Kelly. She was too smart to play ball.

I’ll say! What a bimbo.

Well, Baby DonDon, you just hired a blonde of your own, Kellyanne Conway. She’s not good-looking enough for Fox. She’s not a Fox fox, but she lies well. Have you gotten her to twirl?

Not yet, non-adviser Roger, but we still have 53 days until the election. Besides, I’ve got those old pictures of Melania to look at.

If you lose, will she have a show on your new alt-right TV network consolation prize?

As long as she obeys me, she can do whatever she wants.

That’s what makes you da man, Baby DonDon. You da man. Okay, let’s go make up some crap about Hillary.

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Andrew Feinberg is the author of Four Score and Seven, a novel that imagines Abe Lincoln comes back to life for two weeks during the 2016 campaign and encounters a candidate who, some say, resembles Donald Trump. It is available on Amazon. He is the author or co-author of five non-fiction books. His political journalism and humor have appeared in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Playboy, GQ, Barron's and Kiplinger's Personal Finance.

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