An Accident for Pence?

February 17, 2017

They say every president needs someone who will tell him the truth.

What a crock.

What a president really needs is someone who will tell him what he hopes is the truth. And I’ve got Steve Bannon.

But after my news conference yesterday, Steve came in and said, “Mr. President, Your Extraordinariness, it has fallen to me to tell you some hard truths.”

“You? You? What, Lenin wasn’t available? Go away, go away, go away. Take your truths somewhere else.”

“I can’t, Mr. President. You know we worried you might be a one-term president?”

“Yeah, yeah.”

“Now it’s looking like a one-semester president. And your Mike Pence insurance policy? Not working. Republicans prefer Pence to you and will soon have their knives out.”

“What can I do?”

“Pence needs to have an accident.”

“Accident? Like hurting his knee skiing?”

“Final accident. Skiing into a tree, buried by an avalanche, eaten by rescue dogs. You need a new vice president, someone who will truly protect you.”

“Who? Who? You mean like Putin?”

“No, Mr. President. You need me. I alone can protect you.”


“I’m the only person people find more frightening than you.”

“And this will keep me in office?”

“It’s your only chance.”

“But what will you do if you become president?”

Steve then made this weird cackling sound that went on for a long time.

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Andrew Feinberg is the author of Four Score and Seven, a novel that imagines Abe Lincoln comes back to life for two weeks during the 2016 campaign and encounters a candidate who, some say, resembles Donald Trump. It is available on Amazon. He is the author or co-author of five non-fiction books. His political journalism and humor have appeared in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Playboy, GQ, Barron's and Kiplinger's Personal Finance.

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