You Want an Apology? I’ll Show You Where to Put It


August 10, 2016

So Dan Rather—is he even still alive?—just wrote that my Second Amendment comments set “a new low” and were “unprecedented in the history of American presidential politics.”

See, Baby DonDon made history again! But the coverage of my bold, manly pro-assassination remarks has been so unfair. General Michael Hayden, the former CIA director, said that if I made these comments outside the hall, I would have been arrested. Like a common criminal.

Well, there is nothing common about Baby DonDon. I have nothing in common with anybody.

Joe “Benedict Arnold” Scarborough wrote a piece in today’s Washington Post-Apocalypse headlined “The GOP must dump Trump.” And I got absolutely savaged by the panel on Morning Joe. Mike Barnicle said my “candidacy is now toxic to democracy.” Jon Meacham said, “You cannot have a candidate for the presidency who talks this way. The explanation is particularly pathetic. It’s Orwellian.”

Wasn’t Orwell a good writer? What am I missing here?

Then Scarborough said the only thing that was debatable was whether I was suggesting my followers kill Hillary or the judges she’d nominate. Well, that is a tough call.

As if he hadn’t kicked me around enough already, Meacham said presidents need a sense of proportion, humility and dignity. “On all three Trump falls woefully short.” Hey, I can be freakin’ dignified whenever I want, you scrofulous asswipe.

They wondered why I kept saying such things. “It’s as if the guy cannot stand not being talked about,” said Scarborough.

Well, duh.

Lots of people suggested I apologize. Okay, brace yourselves, because that’s what Baby DonDon is about to do. I’m new at this so I hope I get it right. First, write “I’m sorry” on a piece of paper. Then wrap the note around a hot poker, drop your pants and stick the poker in a place where the sun don’t shine. That should distract you from what I said about the Second Amendment.

Was that so difficult?

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Andrew Feinberg is the author of Four Score and Seven, a novel that imagines Abe Lincoln comes back to life for two weeks during the 2016 campaign and encounters a candidate who, some say, resembles Donald Trump. It is available on Amazon. He is the author or co-author of five non-fiction books. His political journalism and humor have appeared in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Playboy, GQ, Barron's and Kiplinger's Personal Finance.

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