My Way or the Highway


August 9, 2016

Listen up, you scum-sucking media weasels. This is a rigged election you are running and you are trying to run Baby DonDon out of town. Not gonna happen. No way. No how. Eat poop and die, my friends. Eat poop and die.

I have been talking to Roger Stone and my consigliere Paulie Walnuts and here are our non-negotiable demands for the three debates:

*If Team Trump considers any of the chosen moderators to be what presidential historians call a “meanie,” we will not participate unless said “meanie” is replaced by a “sweetie pie.”

*In a patriotic recognition of the glory of our Olympic athletes (USA! USA! USA!), we are demanding a format change for each debate. Besides the standard soporific debate format, we demand the addition of four new tests of skill and endurance:

The 10-minute Insult Toss

Skeet shooting (first to 21 wins and you must win by two)

Arm-wrestling (just like our storied American World Series, the winner must win four of seven matches)

Golf (four-day, 72-hole event played according to PGA rules, with the candidate trailing in the polls selecting the course for the match). Note to Secretary Clinton: lowest score wins.

If these new events are not incorporated into the debates, we will not participate and we call Secretary Clinton a chickenpoop candy-ass.

This is our final attempt to restore fairness and dignity to the country’s rigged and debauched election system. You won’t get a second chance.

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Andrew Feinberg is the author of Four Score and Seven, a novel that imagines Abe Lincoln comes back to life for two weeks during the 2016 campaign and encounters a candidate who, some say, resembles Donald Trump. It is available on Amazon. He is the author or co-author of five non-fiction books. His political journalism and humor have appeared in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Playboy, GQ, Barron's and Kiplinger's Personal Finance.

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