November 9, 2016
Baby DonDon can’t believe it. I won. I know you didn’t think that was supposed to happen. Me neither.
For those of you who are worried, I want to reassure you.
You should be worried.
Because I don’t know what I’m doing.
But I will now try to be a better human being, if that’s possible. People have made fun of my charitable giving, but this afternoon I will write 50 $7 checks on the Trump Foundation account and distribute them to worthy charities and individuals.
So how did I win? Well, America, you screwed up. You elected a black guy as president—twice—and you let me demonize him without fighting back. Guess you won’t do that again, huh?
Did you hear that I’m vetting people for my cabinet? Which raises the question: given my behavior, what traits or actions would I consider disqualifying? Hey, I hired Steve Bannon, who is a white supremacist and an anti-Semite. Clearly, I didn’t find that disqualifying. And for some of you out there, that should be great news. Are you an anti-Semitic white supremacist? The world is now your oyster.
But I want to leave you with a sense of hope. I am the second University of Pennsylvania graduate to be elected president. The first, William Henry Harrison, died after one month in office.