The Great Federal Lottery


November 10, 2016

President Baby DonDon. Hmm, I’m getting used to that sound. You’re not? Bite me.

President-elect Baby DonDon has a great idea. To help pay for my Make America Great programs and put extra scratch in my pocket, we will start a federal lottery, with big bucks paid to the people who correctly predict the first crisis of my administration.

Here are your choices:

*Following a slight by German Chancellor Angela Merkel, I tweet she is a “fat bimbo bull dyke.” At first, I claim I was misquoted. Then, to apologize, I send her a plaid flannel shirt from L.L. Bean and two Melissa Etheridge tickets. She sends me a muzzle and then things just escalate from there.

*British Prime Minister Theresa May accuses me of grazing her breasts at an international gathering. “Hey, lady, if I wanted to touch your tits you’d know they’d been grabbed,” I say into a hot mic. “Unfortunately, they come with your face.” We’re still working at resolving this one.

*President Jimmy Morales of Guatemala comes for a visit and I mistake him for a White House gardener. He is offended. I offer to make him Head Gardener. All of Guatemala is offended. I vow to fire the person who put Morales on my schedule. Turns out to be Don Jr., intent on rescuing his failing banana business. I fire Don Jr.

*Vladimir Putin comes for a bare-chested Oval Office chat. “Thanks for meeting me shirtless,” he says. “Please, now, the pants.” I demur. “Then I shall take Estonia!” Firmly, I hold my ground. “And Latvia!” I stare him down. “And Lithuania!” I give him my best Apprentice boardroom stare. He leaves. You have to be firm with people.

The next one is a four-parter:

*Attorney General Rudy Giuliani announces at a press conference he will divorce his third wife, Judith.

*Secretary of State Newt Gingrich announces at a press conference he will divorce his third wife, Callista.

*Attorney General Rudy Giuliani announces at a press conference he has begun “seeing” Callista Gingrich.

*Secretary of State Newt Gingrich announces at a press conference he and Defense Secretary Michael Flynn will soon kill Attorney General Rudy Giuliani.

*I try to get Dr. Ben “Fruit Salad for Everyone!” Carson confirmed as U.S. Surgeon General. The nation does not respond well, with half of all doctors going on strike.

*Chris Christie, upset I would offer a cabinet post to “that moron” Ben Carson but not to him, holds the West Wing hostage. He demands that food be sent in. Then he demands more food. And, again, with the food. I alone resolve the crisis by making him Secretary of Transportation.

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Andrew Feinberg is the author of Four Score and Seven, a novel that imagines Abe Lincoln comes back to life for two weeks during the 2016 campaign and encounters a candidate who, some say, resembles Donald Trump. It is available on Amazon. He is the author or co-author of five non-fiction books. His political journalism and humor have appeared in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Playboy, GQ, Barron's and Kiplinger's Personal Finance.

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