November 7, 2016
So someone sent me this saying by Mark Twain: “Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason.” Yeah, baby!
But fuck that shit, that’s not what I want to talk about. What I want to talk about is horrible! Even I, a person in deep, deep denial and with all the self-knowledge of a brain-damaged hamster, can see this election is slipping away. It’s all been rigged and, in the case of FBI Director Comey, unrigged. What kind of man unrigs an election he previously rigged with just two days to go? Guess I will get to say “You’re fired” pretty soon.
But only if I win. And Roger Stone now says there’s only one way we can win. We need to suppress votes bigly, sometimes with extreme prejudice.
So, folks, my devoted band of brothers, if you vote tomorrow you need to stay safe. You need to know what’s going to happen. So here goes. (Note: all times are local.)
At 8 AM, my henchmen will toss Molotov cocktails into six polling stations in North Philadelphia. (Don’t worry, no white people will be hurt.) Poll-watchers will open fire on those waiting to vote in Houston Hall, part of the West Philadelphia campus of the University of Pennsylvania. This will discourage stupid young people from voting. (I’ve hated Penn ever since it refused to grant me naming rights for the university or the business school. I ask you, what’s a better brand name, Wharton or Trump?)
Similar carefully-orchestrated mayhem will strike minority strongholds in Cleveland, Detroit, Milwaukee and the Twin Cities. A team of masked ninjas will overwhelm the Bernice Mandelbaum Memorial Canasta Club in Fort Lauderdale. They will take 60 Jewish women of a certain age hostage. (After 15 minutes, they will realize this was an awful mistake and they will release them, as long as they promise not to vote or complain anymore.) Further south, convoys of taco trucks will be seized, set on fire and driven into those waiting on line at Miami polling places.
I want to be careful about this next item because it is controversial, but Roger Stone says we have to do it. We’ll have to lynch someone near Charlotte. Roger said that’ll really turn North Carolina into a swing state and then he smiled.
As the day progresses, my minions will spread Election Day cheer to Denver, Albuquerque, Phoenix and Las Vegas. They’ll also make stops at our great universities, from Duke and the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill down to the University of Florida, then across the Midwest and the Southwest.
Someone just told me that half of registered voters expect violence tomorrow.
That means half of them are wrong.