With Baby DonDon, You Got to Pay to Play


 November 2, 2016

 So much to catch up on. FBI director Comey is being accused of having a double standard on what investigations he makes public. I absolutely defend his right to have a double standard. If I had any standards, I would certainly have a double standard, probably even a triple standard. If I had standards, they would be huge.

The Huffington Post says Democrats shouldn’t panic. Hey, I think everyone should panic because Baby DonDon is gaining in the polls! You sure shouldn’t relax because of what a site founded by Arianna Huffington says. Her husband went gay while married to her. What’s with that, I ask you? And she has a face like a dumpster.

Did you see I gave my campaign another $10 million? Now I have to figure out how to get it back. If I win, I have a great idea. If you want to be in my cabinet, you’ll pay up. Chris Christie has no money, so guess what? No job for Tubby! Newt Gingrich has been hawking all kinds of shit since he got booted from the House, so there’s no doubt he could pay. Ditto Rudy “I Forgot to Take My Meds” Giuliani. Ben “Would You Like Some Fruit with That?” Carson is loaded from speaking about bringing God into the operating room, so he can have his pick of posts. Hell, he could have Hillary’s old job. Hah!

Then I’ll move on to the billionaires. Carl Icahn, you want to be Treasury secretary? I don’t think you’d miss $50 million. Harold Hamm, you want to be Energy secretary? Pal, that’ll be $100 million more for Baby DonDon. Go Baby DonDon, go, go, go! I got into politics to make money and now I’m going to get rich whether I win or lose. You da man, Baby DonDon, you da man!

Folks, you thought it might be smart to have a businessman run the country? Here’s what it looks like. Pay to play, baby, pay to play.

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Andrew Feinberg is the author of Four Score and Seven, a novel that imagines Abe Lincoln comes back to life for two weeks during the 2016 campaign and encounters a candidate who, some say, resembles Donald Trump. It is available on Amazon. He is the author or co-author of five non-fiction books. His political journalism and humor have appeared in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Playboy, GQ, Barron's and Kiplinger's Personal Finance.

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