It is now post time and the felons are on the track. Here’s the call:
Everybody’s favorite fixer, Big Paulie Manafort, is in the lead by two lengths. We know he’ll be indicted, we just don’t know when. We love you Paulie! Coming on strong on the inside, here’s feisty bruiser Mike Flynn, elbows flying. The smart Turkish money is on Flynn. Even as we speak, Turkish government officials are beating the snot out of the some spectators. Is this is a great international event or what? Now just three lengths back and making a strong move on the outside is Carter “Name My Mental Illness” Page, wearing a hat that says, “I Think I’ll Enjoy Prison.”
A major disappointment to all who know him, Jared Kushner is running anemically in fourth place, whining that he shouldn’t even be in the race. “It’s not my fault I sound like this,” he’s saying. Shut up, Jared. The Russians have spread their money across the field, but handsome Donald “I Love It” Trump Jr. seems really weighed down by his share. He’s limping along nine lengths back. He has a shotgun over his shoulder and he isn’t smiling.
Dark horse Jeff Sessions is 25 lengths back, ambling at a leisurely Southern pace but wait, he’s just been told some black people are moving into his neighborhood and he starting to motor. Finally, 36 lengths back, here comes the lovely Ivanka “You Know My Boobs Keep Hitting Me in the Head When I Run” Trump.
Yeah, baby. Come to papa!