Where Do I Find These People?

BuildaWallTrump mur

October 22, 2016

So the Washington Post-Apocalypse reports that my crowds are getting smaller. Not true, not true. I just addressed 16 million people in North Carolina.

Well, that’s not true either, but I wanted to show you that Baby DonDon still has the energy and spunk and stamina to lie his ass off whenever necessary.

One of my many awful surrogates, former Arizona governor Jan Brewer, sure stuck the knife in when she told the Boston Globe I’d win Arizona because Hispanics “don’t get out and vote. They don’t vote.”

Well, they will now, thanks to Jan.

Excuse me, it’s time for some desperate 11th-hour pandering. Please, all you Hispanics, don’t be too lazy to vote for me. Show me that you’re not bad hombres or lazy hombres by coming out to cast your vote for Baby DonDon. Viva Baby DonDon!

And, hey, I can relate to being too lazy to do stuff, like learning about policy or prepping for debates.

But what I really want to say is that I just love the Hispanics! And the Latinos! And the Hispano-Latinos and Latino-Hispaniolaiacs. And the Spaniardistas. And the Mexicanicos. Plus the DRs and the PRs. They are all great people, especially the occasional non-rapists among them. Please, please vote for me, whatever the hell you call yourselves.

But Arizona is a mess in so many ways. Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio, my Little Joe, is trailing his vicious Democratic opponent by 15 freakin’ points. And they’re about to indict his ass, just like they might indict mine for all those foundation shenanigans.

Hey, while you’re at it, you can indict that old leather-face, Jan Brewer. She really deserves it.

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Andrew Feinberg is the author of Four Score and Seven, a novel that imagines Abe Lincoln comes back to life for two weeks during the 2016 campaign and encounters a candidate who, some say, resembles Donald Trump. It is available on Amazon. He is the author or co-author of five non-fiction books. His political journalism and humor have appeared in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Playboy, GQ, Barron's and Kiplinger's Personal Finance.

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