Benedict Arnold, Here I Come


October 23, 2016

Hola, Baby DonDon worshipers! Did you catch my Gettysburg address yesterday? Ivanka and my sons Uday and Qusay say it was as good as Lincoln’s, maybe better. It was certainly longer. Why? Because I have more stamina. Lincoln had no stamina.

Steve Bannon and I talked about my legacy yesterday. “Baby DonDon,” he said, “that was an incredible and wonderfully long speech you gave.”

“Thank you, Steve, you have earned the right to discuss my legacy.”

“Baby DonDon, I think you’ve already surpassed George Wallace and Joe McCarthy.”

“In what way?”

“In the loathing way.”


“Well, where did you think this was headed?”

“The White House?”

“Nah. Face it, Baby DonDon, future generations will hate you, but while you live this infamy can be turned into serious cabbage.”

“Is there anything I can do, infamy-wise, to help things?”

“Well, you sealed the deal during the last debate when you said TWICE that you might not honor the election results. If you lose and don’t concede, that will improve your Outlaw Breitbart brand and cause cabbage in large denominations to rain upon you, but unborn historians will condemn you forever. You’d pretty much be sharing a cell, historically speaking, with Benedict Arnold.”

Oh, this is so confusing for Baby DonDon! If I don’t concede, the alt-right people will love me and give me all their money, making me an actual billionaire!! But people not yet born will hate me for pissing on our democracy.

“Consigliere Steve, don’t some people say nice things about Benedict Arnold?”

“No. Traitor is not a good brand.”

“But, Steve, you told me to say the election was rigged. You said a few hundred deaths on Election Day would be good for my brand.”

“Cabbage-wise, yes, but not legacy-wise.”

“Oh, Steve, what should I do?”

“Follow the money.”

“Okay, you don’t have to tell me twice. Hey, Benedict, make room for Baby DonDon!”

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Andrew Feinberg is the author of Four Score and Seven, a novel that imagines Abe Lincoln comes back to life for two weeks during the 2016 campaign and encounters a candidate who, some say, resembles Donald Trump. It is available on Amazon. He is the author or co-author of five non-fiction books. His political journalism and humor have appeared in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Playboy, GQ, Barron's and Kiplinger's Personal Finance.

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