Is Baby DonDon Losing It?


October 21, 2016


What is Baby DonDon doing? That’s what you’re wondering. Because I know you spend all day wondering about Baby DonDon. We’re similar that way.

Even Bill O’Liely of Fox News says I’ve gone too far on my rigged election ranting. Why do I say I won’t accept the election results if I don’t win? Is it because I know I will lose?

No, I’m not going to lose. I’m going to not win.

There’s a big difference.

So I was talking with my consigliere Steve Bannon the other day and Steve, whose favorite politician is Lenin (a guy who has higher unfavorables than I do), said it is better to reign in Hell than serve in Heaven. Apparently that’s what John Milton or Milton John wrote in Paradise Lost or Lost Paradise or I Lost It in Paradise. Whatever. I don’t read books. I write books.

Here’s how Steve explained it. In I Lost It in Paradise, Heaven is this boring, politically correct place. Milton John (is he related to Elton John?) allegedly wants you to like it and hope to go there, but it’s like going to the Iowa state fair and watching fat ugly people eat fried butter all day. It’s not where you want to be.

But being the big cheese in Hell, as Satan surely is, is kinda cool. I mean, what kind of language might be offensive in Hell? “Ooh, Baby DonDon called some trollop a ‘nasty woman,’ oh, he’s going to get punished bigly.” And where are they going to send me? To Hell?

So in Hell Satan can be his own man. If he stayed in Heaven he’d just be a politically correct bootlicker.

When you’re president, you can’t call a world leader a “ferret-faced asshole.” That’s just so WRONG.

So Baby DonDon had an epiphany, whatever that is. I don’t play well in the two-party system. I like to speak my mind and blow things up too much. I really need my own party.

The Wall Street Journal has a story online today saying that some Facebook execs wanted some of my posts deleted as hate speech. (((Mark Zuckerberg))) had my back on this one. But, folks, you know what? Baby DonDon loves hate speech. And I need to be in a party that tolerates it and even celebrates it.

That’s why on election night I will announce the launch of the That Fat White Guy Said What??? Party. Members may say whatever they want all the time. Our slogan will be Hate Speech is Great Speech.

Then you’ll really see a Baby DonDon who is unshackled! If you think I’ve been acting unhinged lately, folks, that is just a warm-up. Expect to see a Full Giuliani from me night after night.

It will be amazing. Remember, the people who hate together make a country great together.

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Andrew Feinberg is the author of Four Score and Seven, a novel that imagines Abe Lincoln comes back to life for two weeks during the 2016 campaign and encounters a candidate who, some say, resembles Donald Trump. It is available on Amazon. He is the author or co-author of five non-fiction books. His political journalism and humor have appeared in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Playboy, GQ, Barron's and Kiplinger's Personal Finance.

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