Well, It Depends What Your Definition of “Crook” Is


September 6, 2016

So the Huffington Post has a piece today accusing Baby DonDon of ripping off Republican donors by charging sky-high rates—sometimes nine times what a non-Trump property would charge–for events held at Mar-a-Lago and other Trump properties and having the campaign pay for them.

“Any way you slice it, this level of self-dealing looks bad,” said the Campaign Legal Center’s Paul S. Ryan. (Don’t you just hate people named Paul Ryan?) “It looks like a candidate who is pocketing donors’ money.”

This charge has been made before and, well, it’s true. But I can explain.

After years of stiffing small vendors and conning desperate students at Trump University, I am now moving up the food chain as I scam big Republican donors. You should be happy about that. Aren’t you happy?

These people are the scum of the earth. They are the most active climate change deniers. They are the people most insistent that taxes be lowered for the ultra-rich and raised for everyone else. They make my skin crawl. Robbing them is actually a public service.

Besides, I’m a businessman. This is what I do. I give people the business. I take and take and take until a court says, “Hey, buddy, I think you’ve taken enough.”

I’m a scumbag, but I’ve convinced tens of millions of you that I will be your scumbag after I’m elected. Will that be the case? Perhaps. It depends on how being El Presidente affects my brand. If I can triple what we charge for weddings at Mar-a-Lago, I may not have to steal much at all.

But old habits die hard. In the game of give-and-take, I prefer to take.

And take.

And take.

But, given my personality, shouldn’t my being a crook be the least of your worries?

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Andrew Feinberg is the author of Four Score and Seven, a novel that imagines Abe Lincoln comes back to life for two weeks during the 2016 campaign and encounters a candidate who, some say, resembles Donald Trump. It is available on Amazon. He is the author or co-author of five non-fiction books. His political journalism and humor have appeared in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Playboy, GQ, Barron's and Kiplinger's Personal Finance.

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