A New Sheriff in Town


September 6, 2016

So you probably know that President Barack Hussein Hussein Hussein Obama got dissed repeatedly during his trip to Asia. No one would dare treat Baby DonDon that way.

Vladimir Putin stared at Obama as if he were a fly in his soup. And Obama stared right back, mega-unfriendly. Me? Instead of a staredown with Vlad the Magnificent, the two of us would have had a long, very friendly topless brohug. Our meeting would have had a happy ending, that I can tell you.

Then there was that nasty greeting at China’s Scruyu Airport, where that awful Chinese official yelled at national security adviser Susan Rice and forced the president to get off the plane in an awkward way. Well, Baby DonDon would have taken a page from the 24 playbook. Remember the season-ending episode when the Chinese kidnapped Jack Bauer and made him disappear for years? Well, right back at you, China. This Chinese goon who shamed us would have vanished into our giant new Trumpster gulag.

No way I’m going echo Obama’s loser policy of Leading from Behind and Leading While Black. Not going to happen, folks.

Well, the last straw was when the president of the Philippines, mass murderer Rodrigo Duterte, called the president a “son of a bitch.” So Obama decided not to meet with him. Oh, that’s real tough, calling off a meeting. Me, I first would have said in Tagalog, “Mayroon akong isang Donald malaking titi.” Loose translation: “I am Donald of the great penis.”

Then I would have called him President MouseTurdy and announced that I would nuke one of the 7,641 islands that make up the Philippines. One of the great things about dealing with an archipelago nation is that you can easily destroy one of its islands without obliterating the entire country. It’s the best way of showing people you understand the nuclear triad.

Baby DonDon’s words are big but his actions will be even bigger.

The following two tabs change content below.
Andrew Feinberg is the author of Four Score and Seven, a novel that imagines Abe Lincoln comes back to life for two weeks during the 2016 campaign and encounters a candidate who, some say, resembles Donald Trump. It is available on Amazon. He is the author or co-author of five non-fiction books. His political journalism and humor have appeared in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Playboy, GQ, Barron's and Kiplinger's Personal Finance.

Latest posts by Andrew Feinberg (see all)