Veep Creep

July 14, 2016

Okay, you lousy Democrats and Chinese manipulators, I’m calling you out. There will be a freakin’ heat wave to coincide with my convention, and I know you’re just arranging this to embarrass me for being smart enough to deny global warming exists. Dems and Chinese people, watch out. The polls say there’s a real chance I’ll get those nuclear codes. And when I do, I’ll show you just how warm some of the globe can be.

The dishonest future ash heap known as the Washington Post has an editorial this morning saying that Cwis Cwistie said I acted “like a child” (oh, that makes Baby DonDon so mad) and Mike “Call Me Mike” Pence privately loathes me and Newt the Snoot called my truth-telling about the Mexican judge “inexcusable.” And they think I will pick one of these assclowns to be my veep? The Post said those three guys were “desperate, unprincipled panderers.” Well, that’s on the plus side.  Jeff Sessions may not be much in the brains department, but he’s said nothing bad about BabyDonDon. I really want to pick him, but Ivanka and Jared said I really shouldn’t because I already have the racist vote locked up. Oh, this is so difficult! It’s like three-dimensional prejudice.

Now on to the convention. I am so honored that the Republican platform calls coal a “clean” energy source. The miners love me in a major way.

Yeah, I know some dipsticks will miss the show. GOP digital strategist Will Ritter, a noted turdball, said he won’t be there and “would rather attend the public hanging of a good friend.” Well, that can be arranged, Will Ritter. Just you wait.

It leaked that I filed a $10 million suit against Sam Nunberg who violated his non-disclosure agreement by spilling campaign secrets. Some people said it was unwise to sue someone at this point in the campaign, but you need to understand me on this one. I love suing people. It’s a total rush, like playing golf on a great course. And when the defendants give you that look that says they can’t afford to fight you, the feeling is just wonderful. I wish all Americans could experience the joy of crushing a weak opponent with a legal blitzkrieg.

Because of the mean things she said about me, I’m thinking of suing that farttrollop Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Maybe she’ll have to step down for a few months to defend herself against me. That would be so great. Then I’d have the fun of suing her and getting her off the court could be a real service to the nation.

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Andrew Feinberg is the author of Four Score and Seven, a novel that imagines Abe Lincoln comes back to life for two weeks during the 2016 campaign and encounters a candidate who, some say, resembles Donald Trump. It is available on Amazon. He is the author or co-author of five non-fiction books. His political journalism and humor have appeared in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Playboy, GQ, Barron's and Kiplinger's Personal Finance.

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