True Lies

July 14, 2016

Baby DonDon is upset, so upset I won’t even explain why Mike “Call Me Mike” Pence is an even better choice for veep than Dan Quayle.

My three favorite movies are Citizen Kane, Hoosiers (not really, but who cares?) and True Lies. I’ve never seen True Lies, but I like the title. It dovetails with my belief in using “truthful hyperbole” in marketing. Now, Tim O’Brien, who wrote TrumpNation: The Art of Being the Donald, called my books “non-fiction fiction,” which wasn’t very fair. I sued his sorry mottled ass for $5 billion. I lost, but I dragged the case out for three years and O’Brien peed his pants a few times. At least I like to think so.

Well, the liberals are now after my sorry mottled ass because they say I made up people’s having asked for a moment of silence for the madman who killed the five officers in Dallas. My campaign didn’t help by saying it could find no evidence of a moment of silence. Folks, let me put it to you this way: there are 323,996,000 people in the U.S. Do you think it likely that out of so many people not a single one asked for a moment of silence?

Can you prove it?

I didn’t think so. It’s exactly like my saying there were hundreds of people in New Jersey cheering the fall of the Twin Towers. Can you prove it didn’t happen? No. Why is the onus always on Baby DonDon to prove that it did? Do I have to do all the work?

People, people, there I was talking to Bill O’Reilly, trying to pour just a little gasoline on the flames engulfing our nation, you know, just so you’d really feel you needed a strongman like me to put out the fire later, and hotheaded liberals like Josh Marshall at Talking Points Memo say I’m spreading lies and using language reminiscent of Hitler. Yes, I keep a volume of Hitler’s speeches in my bedroom and, yes, he was a more charismatic speaker than Mitch “Cuddles” McConnell, but—and this is a key point—I’m not in my bedroom often these days because I’m too busy trying to serve my country in misbegotten places like Indiana. (Is the whole state a fat farm or what?) Might I point out for just a moment that Hitler revived the German economy and that, if you exclude the Germans he imprisoned, tortured or killed—and their friends—he was pretty popular.

But history is written by the winners and, as Dr. Ben Carson has explained, it’s now politically incorrect to mention any of the good things Hitler did. Sad.

Which brings us back to true lies. Some lies are so true they’re truer than the truth. Just let that sink in. In their zealous desire to protect us from true lies, the politically correct police often protect us from seeing the truth.

Baby DonDon will change this.

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Andrew Feinberg is the author of Four Score and Seven, a novel that imagines Abe Lincoln comes back to life for two weeks during the 2016 campaign and encounters a candidate who, some say, resembles Donald Trump. It is available on Amazon. He is the author or co-author of five non-fiction books. His political journalism and humor have appeared in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Playboy, GQ, Barron's and Kiplinger's Personal Finance.

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