More Discipline, Please


July 13, 2016

So the family and I are spending the day schmoozing with Mike “Call Me Mike” Pence, the Newtster and Cwis Cwistie. Sometimes life just sucks, you know? The things I have to do for my country.

Mitch “Cuddles” McConnell just announced he’ll be speaking at the convention. Manafort made me do it. Yeah, that should make for some riveting TV. Mitch McConnell, the Yule log of orators.

But finally—and I mean finally—I have good polls to crow about! Quinnipiac has me up 3 points on Hillary in Florida, up 2 points in Pennsylvania and tied in Ohio. Some other polls aren’t as favorable, but they’re all wrong so I won’t even mention them. The new polls give me something to talk about besides that douchenozzle troll Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Was she out of line or what?

But the key word today is “discipline.” Have you noticed I’ve been more disciplined lately? Great. It feels like freakin’ military school, but Manafort and Stone said I had to.

We’re now really trying to calibrate things. They told me that when I discussed Black Lives Matter, it was important to come across as racist, but intelligently and reasonably and even reluctantly racist, as if I’d given the matter a lot of thought, and just be sure to seem less racist than Bill O’Reilly and Rush Limbaugh, who think the group is like ISIS. So I said the name was “very divisive,” which they thought was brilliant. When you call something “divisive,” you can come across as a uniter because you’re not being divisive, you’re saying it’s the other guy who’s doing it and being a total cockmuppet.

So, yeah, I’ll keep trying this discipline crap, but, know this, it’s no fun for Baby DonDon. Someday soon they will again let Baby DonDon be Baby DonDon.

And then look out.

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Andrew Feinberg is the author of Four Score and Seven, a novel that imagines Abe Lincoln comes back to life for two weeks during the 2016 campaign and encounters a candidate who, some say, resembles Donald Trump. It is available on Amazon. He is the author or co-author of five non-fiction books. His political journalism and humor have appeared in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Playboy, GQ, Barron's and Kiplinger's Personal Finance.

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