January 19, 2017

Health experts now believe that when I am sworn in tomorrow, 84% of American over the age of 12, including Chief Justice John Roberts, will be drunk.

This will leave us vulnerable to attack by our enemies in North Korea and Iran, as well as by alien lizard people. As soon as I am sworn in, I will order preemptive strikes against Iran, North Korea and the planet Lizardo.

You’ll thank me later.

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Andrew Feinberg is the author of Four Score and Seven, a novel that imagines Abe Lincoln comes back to life for two weeks during the 2016 campaign and encounters a candidate who, some say, resembles Donald Trump. It is available on Amazon. He is the author or co-author of five non-fiction books. His political journalism and humor have appeared in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Playboy, GQ, Barron's and Kiplinger's Personal Finance.

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