January 19, 2017
So I wake up today, the day before His Exalted Super Baby DonDon becomes your supreme and beloved leader for life, to read this drivel from Nick “The Dick” Kristof in the New York Times:
“Trump spews emotional tweets impetuously and vindictively, lacing his venom with misspellings or grammatical mistakes.”
Are nott!! I is not! Would never do them things, you dickwad.
And in the Washington Post, E.J. “Not Worth Giving a Nickname To” Dionne Jr. has a column titled “This is the most ominous Inauguration Day in modern history.”
Note: I am the best with anagrams and I can tell you that “ominous” is an anagram for “u is moon” and “I no sumo.” Need I say more?
Okay, folks, one of these journalists must die. Tweet your votes to me and I will let the majority determine the biggest loser. Then your selection will be stoned to death on the White House lawn—unless you vote for a different method of extermination.
Vlad Putin has told me there is no need to kill hundreds of lying journalists. “Why not, my manly bare-chested friend?” I said. “Because if you kill a few,” he said, “the rest will be too scared to write mean things.”
“But I could kill more just for fun?”
“Sure, Your Exalted Super Baby DonDon, sure.”
And, finally, let me leave you with a programming note. We’re delaying the Inaugural Address by an hour. Vlad has sent me some fresh Moscow hookers, complete with travelling photographer, and I need to see if he’s right about them being the best.
An anagram for “Putin” is “input,” and I’m going to be giving these women some input, that I can tell you.