January 20, 2017 (supposed to be greatest day ever but is looking like a classic fartstorm)
Oh, the outrage!! The horror!! The ingratitude!!
So I take the freakin’ oath and, as soon as I do, the stock market starts to fall. It’s a conspiracy! The vicious Democrat party was just waiting for me to become Ultimate Leader before its financial apparatchiks like George Soros started unloading stock. And, during the greatest Inaugural Address ever, these malicious minions—instead of listening like all decent, patriotic Americans should have been doing—just keep on selling. And selling.
Oh, the system is so rigged.
Well, His Exalted Super Baby DonDon will not stand for this. You on notice, says POTUS! As my first official act, I have instructed the Treasury Department to buy $500 billion worth of stock. Today!!! Luckily, my first unofficial act as president a littler earlier was to buy $50 million of out-of-the-money call options on the S&P 500. Isn’t it great, people, that we’re in this thing together?
Buy! Buy! Buy!