Unfair–and So, So Stupid


September 17, 2016

Help! Help! Help! Baby DonDon is hurt and confused.

So yesterday I retracted my birther horse plop and now the media, led by the New York End Times and the Washington Post-Apocalypse, are drilling me a new one. On Thursday I was a birther all was cool. On Friday I’m no longer a birther and now everyone’s on my case. Does this make any sense? How does this give people an incentive to stop lying?

Still, I want to take credit for finally getting the Times to use the word “lie” this week. It’s in the top line of the lead headline in today’s paper and it’s in every story about me. I’ve changed journalism forever. All hail Baby DonDon!

I think.

So I’m taking flak for not apologizing for the birther crap. But I’ve let word leak out that I’ll be apologizing to a group of stupid, craven colored people next week. Now I just have to find them. Don King and Dr. Ben “Fruit Salad” Carson are on the case. If they can’t find anyone, I guess I’ll just have to apologize to Don and Ben.

Oh, about the word “colored.” I use it with pride. Remember when Dad and I had our employees put the letter “C” next to the names of black people who wanted to rent from us? The Feds totally misunderstood this. We were trying to help these people, give them a preferential leg up long before the days of affirmative action.Hand to God. Would I lie to you?  But did we get any credit? No. We got sued and had to settle. Still, the groids love me. They know I don’t have a racist bone in my body.

Hey, I have lots of former black friends, like Russell Simmons, who was my friend for 30 years until he compared me to Hitler during this campaign, which can strain a friendship, that I can tell you. The traitorous Negro even called me “a one-man wrecking ball.”

At least I can take comfort in my little boy Barron, who is learning many useful skills in Trumpster Youth. But this was not a good week for Don Jr. He’s getting reamed for sharing an image of Pepe the frog, the white supremacist symbol, on his Instagram account. And for speaking on the white supremacist Political Cesspool radio show in March. And for his “gas chamber” quip this week. And for being a dickhead. Will all you politically correct assholes please let my son goose-step in peace?

When I’m president, I’m gonna to convince a lot of you intolerant idiots to self-deport, that I can tell you.

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Andrew Feinberg is the author of Four Score and Seven, a novel that imagines Abe Lincoln comes back to life for two weeks during the 2016 campaign and encounters a candidate who, some say, resembles Donald Trump. It is available on Amazon. He is the author or co-author of five non-fiction books. His political journalism and humor have appeared in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Playboy, GQ, Barron's and Kiplinger's Personal Finance.

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