Truthiness

September 26, 2016

Yesterday Kellyanne Conway called me the Babe Ruth of debaters, but I want to lower expectations. John Oliver was less charitable, calling me “America’s wealthiest hemorrhoid,” which can’t be a good thing, right? That got through even my ultra-thick skin. And it sure lowered my expectations for tonight.

Moving on, I need to say no fair, no fair, no fair. Yesterday that diaper-load Chris Wallace was fact-checking Mike Pensacola over at Fox News. Mike said the Washington Post-Apocalypse stories about my foundation were “factually incorrect.” Good boy, Mike.

But Wallace kept asking him in what ways were they inaccurate. And Mike couldn’t answer. Hey, Chris Wallace, illegal fact-checking, two-minute penalty for you.

What an asshole.

I’m worried that Lester “The Lame and The” Holt, tonight’s debate moderator, will try the same sleazy maneuver with me. Be prepared, Baby DonDon won’t stand for it.

Naturally, some people have said I can avoid fact-checking persecution by simply telling the truth. Say what? If I stop lying there is no way I can do 40 or 45 minutes of talking tonight. Maybe I can do three minutes. Then I can repeat myself three times, which gets us up to nine minutes. Then what the hell am I supposed to do, dance? Talk policy?

Don’t I have a First Amendment right to state the truth as I see it, even if only blind white supremacists agree with me?

Finally, what a week to have all these stories about my truthiness appear. Politico said I made 87 erroneous statements in five days, or one every three minutes and 15 seconds of speaking. Politico thinks this is horrible. I consider it efficient.

What will my big surprise be tonight? Will I do less lying?

No. I will do more. SURPRISE! Hillary will have to call out my whoppers so often that she will lose track of what she wanted to say. She’ll look besieged. Besieged and weak. And Baby DonDon will win! And become your president.

Oh.

I’m still working on a way to win and not become your president. Stay tuned.

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Andrew Feinberg

Andrew Feinberg is the author of Four Score and Seven, a novel that imagines Abe Lincoln comes back to life for two weeks during the 2016 campaign and encounters a candidate who, some say, resembles Donald Trump. It is available on Amazon. He is the author or co-author of five non-fiction books. His political journalism and humor have appeared in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Playboy, GQ, Barron's and Kiplinger's Personal Finance.

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