Preparation H (for Hillary)


September 25, 2016

Just 35 hours to go before you see Baby DonDon demolish Crooked Hillary in the first debate. Get ready for a major schlonging, a 9.6 on the Richter scale of political disasters.

Once I learned that Hillary had invited that pea-brained snot turd Mark Cuban to sit in the first row, I knew the gloves were off. I mean, Cuban, whose reality show, The Benefactor was an epic failure, has knocked my net worth—and no one gets away with that. You watch, I will smoke that Cuban.

So I knew I had to have special attendees myself. I’ll have Gennifer Flowers, who had a 12-year affair with Bill Clinton. And I’ll have another 12 bimbos—er, women—who slept with the former president (including Juanita Broaddrick, who said Bill date-raped her), and they’ll be wearing very revealing Trumpster swimsuits and high heels. At several points, they’ll all stand up and twirl. (Hat tip to Roger “Special Needs” Ailes for that idea.) Monica Lewinsky will be allowed in only if she is wearing her knee pads. Folks, my rooting section will look like a whorehouse on two-for-one night. If Bill Clinton were in the hall, he’d keel over with a heart attack and die.

My male supporters will have Vince Foster masks, which they’ll put on each time Hillary is about to speak. (Nice one, Steve Bannon.) Vince Foster is going to be like Banquo’s ghost in Macbeth. (I don’t know what this means, but my team said I’d sound smart if I said it.)

We’ve done an extensive psychological profile of Hillary. Based on that subtle research, we’ll have my supporters say the words “emails” and “lesbian” and “Benghazi” during the debate. And I’ll casually say, “It seems the audience wants to hear more about your lesbian Benghazi emails. I didn’t say it; they did.”  I won’t go all crazy and loud and pressure her. I’ll just gently mention it 10 or 12 times during the debate. We will rattle her cage! So much so she may spend the rest of the campaign IN a cage.

Our research also showed that tens of millions of voters have concluded Don Jr. is a crypto-fascist dickhead. (“As obnoxious and vicious and morally bankrupt as his father, but without the charm,” said one TV critic. Thank you, sir, for the compliment about charm.) So we’re mothballing Don and will use him only on alt-right shows and on Fox.

So, please, tune in tomorrow and watch me mop the floor with Crooked Hillary. Watch me put America First!

Right after me.

Go Baby DonDon, go!

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Andrew Feinberg is the author of Four Score and Seven, a novel that imagines Abe Lincoln comes back to life for two weeks during the 2016 campaign and encounters a candidate who, some say, resembles Donald Trump. It is available on Amazon. He is the author or co-author of five non-fiction books. His political journalism and humor have appeared in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Playboy, GQ, Barron's and Kiplinger's Personal Finance.

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