Trump, the Methadone Man


January 25, 2017

Journalists, the lowest of the low, are a bunch of asshat truth nerds. They carry on like addicts constantly in need of a truth fix.

Well, His Exalted Super Baby DonDon is the methadone man who will help these wretched souls safely withdraw from the truth.

To that end, I have announced that we will investigate my fanciful claim that three to five million illegals voted against me in the election. And, guess what, my administration is so efficient that we already have the results of the investigation! Precisely 4,013,279 illegals voted against me, which means, Marine band drum roll please:

I WON THE POPULAR VOTE!!! Yes, Super Baby DonDon, yes!! Bow down, people, bow down before me.

The New York Times, where there seems to be a methadone shortage, keeps running headlines calling me a liar, such as “Meeting With Top Lawmakers, Trump Repeats an Election Lie.” Will such unfairness never end? I have lying children who have to read this crap.

On Monday, the Wall Street Journal did the same thing. Cripes, the Wall Street Journal! It is owned by Rupert Murdoch, a man who created an entire network, Fox News, based on fake news. And now he’s attacking me and my spokespiece Sean Spicer for creating an alternative fact universe?

Maybe Rupert is mad at me because his ex is porking my very, very, very close friend Vlad Putin.

Rupert, I have some advice. Take a nice golden shower and get over it.

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Andrew Feinberg is the author of Four Score and Seven, a novel that imagines Abe Lincoln comes back to life for two weeks during the 2016 campaign and encounters a candidate who, some say, resembles Donald Trump. It is available on Amazon. He is the author or co-author of five non-fiction books. His political journalism and humor have appeared in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Playboy, GQ, Barron's and Kiplinger's Personal Finance.

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