July 15, 2016
Bernie Sanders supporters should vote for me. After all, Bernie is a man and Baby DonDon is da man, so that’s a natural connection. And Hillary is a woman and many male Bernie supporters don’t like women, especially women who yell at them. If Hillary plays the woman card, I will play the penis card. I can see the bumper stickers already: “Be a dick: vote for Trump.”™
Our campaign will celebrate penis power and I will refer to any large gathering of supporters as a “schlong throng.” My plan for peace in the Middle East will call for the establishment of the state of Phallustine. Hey, we’ve already brought penis size out of the closet as a political issue so now I will milk it for all its worth.
“We’re going to win this November
Vote for Trump if you have a member.”
I will put together an incredible coalition of dumb white men, uninformed, even delusional, women, non-Mexican Hispanics and 17 African-Americans, and that should allow me to prevail.
Bernie Sanders and I both did well because we ran anti-establishment campaigns and harnessed the anger of the middle class. So I could try to take the high road to reach Bernie voters, although I’m not sure how I would do that. Will frequent threats to use nuclear weapons help?
Beware: I may try to snag Independent and Democratic votes by hiring Anthony Weiner as a consultant. I have his portfolio, although I think he misunderstood the term “head shots.”
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