To Russia with Love


July 28, 2016

I’m still trying to procure weapons of mass destruction to use against ISIS and the Washington Post, which would be good for my campaign and for the nation. Well, yesterday I kind of mass-destructed myself.

And it was so unfair.

So I encouraged the Russians to hack Hillary’s missing emails. And some mumblecrusts shouted treason. Folks, if you remove the “t” from “treason,” you have “reason,” and that’s the root of “reasonable,” which is what I always am. I want Vladimir “Large Hands” Putin to be our friend, not our enemy.

The Wall Street Journal called my remarks “indefensible” and then said, regarding my bromance with the Topless One, “Get over it, Donald.”

We’ll see.

Then some ferret fondlers wrote stories saying Putin has me by the balls because Russians have invested so much in my projects. So I said, “I have nothing to do with Russia,” and Franklin Foer called that a lie. Frank, you’re now on my Poopy List. Don’t you know a dose of truthful hyperbole when you hear it?

Yes, Trump Soho had Kazakhstan financing. Yes, my son Don Jr. said in 2008 that “Russians make up a pretty disproportionate cross-section of a lot of our assets. We see a lot of money pouring in from Russia.” Yes, I’ve signed an agreement to build a Trump Tower in Moscow.

I’m taking money from Russia because American banks have given me a permanent timeout. Man, people take it so personally when you stiff them. Man up, you losers. Get thick-skinned like me. And give me more money.

Joe Scarborough said this morning that my saying Putin was a better leader than Obama is “disqualifying” for the presidency. He noted that Putin kills journalists.

That’s why I love the dude. And hearing that he and his inner circle want me to win in November just makes me love him more.

But some mental midgets want me to say, “Thanks but no thanks.” A guy calls me a genius and I’m supposed to renounce him? If there’s one thing I am it’s loyal.

If America said I’m a genius, I’d be loyal to it. But Vladimir the Ripped got there first, so right now I’m loyal to him.

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Andrew Feinberg is the author of Four Score and Seven, a novel that imagines Abe Lincoln comes back to life for two weeks during the 2016 campaign and encounters a candidate who, some say, resembles Donald Trump. It is available on Amazon. He is the author or co-author of five non-fiction books. His political journalism and humor have appeared in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Playboy, GQ, Barron's and Kiplinger's Personal Finance.

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