They Are After Me, Bigly


September 30, 2016

So I asked my campaign chairman, Steve Bannon, Grand Wizard of the Alt-Right, why my poll numbers were going down despite my spectacular debate performance.

“They are out to get you,” Steve said.

“Who are they?”

“You know, they.”


“You know, (((Silver))), (((Rabinowitz))) and (((Eichenwald))).”

“Oh, the people in triple parentheses.”

He meant the Jews. Really? But I just had (((Bibi Netanyahu))) visit my apartment and he said very nice things about its splendor and the size of my brain. And he didn’t steal anything.

Steve pointed out that on Thursday (((Kurt Eichenwald))) published a Newsweek piece accusing me of a criminal violation of the Cuban embargo in 1998. WTF? And Kellyanne Conway (only one parenthesis on her), who said she has passed four bar exams, admitted on network TV I had spent $68,000 in Cuba, which made me guilty of a federal crime. No wonder she doesn’t practice law.

And today in the Wall Street Journal, conservative columnist (((Dorothy Rabinowitz))) wrote this crap about Crooked Hillary: “Her election alone is what stands between the American nation and the reign of the most unstable, proudly uninformed, psychologically unfit president ever to enter the White House.” Who dat?

(((Nate Silver))) of FiveThirtyEight aggregates only the polls he likes and his site said today I remain the most disliked candidate ever, consistently more hated than Shrillary despite my world-class temperament and winningness. He says my chance of winning has dropped from 45.2% to 32.8% since the debate AND that the candidate with the highest net favorability rating at the end of September has won every time since 1980. And that’s not ME. But My Life Matters!

You know, this might explain why no one calls Sean Hannity to learn that I opposed the Iraq War forever. Maybe it isn’t because Sean is a moron. It’s because he isn’t Jewish.

And Rosh Hashanah starts Sunday, so this might all make horrible sense. Oh, that reminds me, I better call (((Ivanka))). I’m so upset that I’m thinking of abandoning politics and real estate and just buying (((gold))).

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Andrew Feinberg is the author of Four Score and Seven, a novel that imagines Abe Lincoln comes back to life for two weeks during the 2016 campaign and encounters a candidate who, some say, resembles Donald Trump. It is available on Amazon. He is the author or co-author of five non-fiction books. His political journalism and humor have appeared in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Playboy, GQ, Barron's and Kiplinger's Personal Finance.

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