Battle Plan


September 29, 2016

Following my triumph in Monday’s debate, here is Baby DonDon’s plan for victory:

My aides will always say I won the debate. They’re already saying I won the second debate and on Tuesday will say I slaughtered Hillary in the third debate. If any staffers resist, my Brylcreemed sons Uday and Qusay will have them shot. (It’s called leadership, Obama. You should try it.)

I will make a surprise appearance at the Mike Pence/Tim Kaine debate and taunt the Democratic vice presidential nominee. My world-class interrupting skills will allow me to become the first presidential candidate to win a debate he wasn’t even in.

I will no longer hold my tongue, as I did in the first debate about how Hillary and Bill have treated women. I will now be Baby DonDon Unchained and Unhinged. Example: Charles Blow of the New York End-Times just called me the “overblown king of bragging and whining.” Hey, Blow: blow me.

How’s that? Pretty presidential, huh?

I have convinced Sean Hannity to devote all his shows until the election to swearing I was against the Iraq war from the start. Hey, is there any person in the country who doesn’t believe Sean Hannity?

Roger Ailes has suggested I show my character by issuing one SPECIFIC apology. Here goes: Miss Universe, I am sorry about fat-shaming you. Now go enjoy a delicious Taco Bowl on me—and go fuck yourself.

Roger also said I should do more to reach college-educated women. So I am reading the novel Middle of March by George Eliot. It is great and really deep.

Finally, we will address the unfortunate slowdown in domestic terror attacks. Expect to see more soon. Roger Stone is on the case.

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Andrew Feinberg is the author of Four Score and Seven, a novel that imagines Abe Lincoln comes back to life for two weeks during the 2016 campaign and encounters a candidate who, some say, resembles Donald Trump. It is available on Amazon. He is the author or co-author of five non-fiction books. His political journalism and humor have appeared in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Playboy, GQ, Barron's and Kiplinger's Personal Finance.

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