These New Polls Suck


August 4, 2016

Today, Fox News released a poll showing Shrillary beating me 49% to 39%. Jesus, if Fox News is going to be honest, what chance does Baby DonDon have? This election is so rigged I can’t stand it.

And some of the new battleground state polls are even worse. Folks, I simply cannot believe it. Baby DonDon is running a flawless campaign and voters are rejecting me! How can people be so stupid?

VOTERS ARE MORONS!! And it is my job for the remainder of the campaign to tell them they are morons and to try some conversion therapy so they get smarter. Not as smart as me—I mean, let’s not be ridiculous—but smart enough to vote for me.

From reading my press clippings—I do this for eight hours a day—it’s looking as if the first big presidential debate is whether I’m a sociopath or a psychopath. In a piece in Vanity Fair, Keith Olbermann votes for psychopath. That’s rich, coming from the Anger Management poster boy. It’s like having your taste in food questioned by Jeffrey Dahmer.

I just told Paulie Walnuts Manafort I want to do a Casino Night fund-raiser. “Everyone makes money with casinos,” I said.

“But Baby DonDon, don’t you remember? You filed four separate casino bankruptcies.”

“But I made a lot of money. It was the people who trusted me who lost money. I was smart. They were dumb.”

“Look, Baby DonDon, this is a non-starter. It would increase your unfavorable ratings.”

“I have an unfavorable rating?”

“Yes. The biggest ever.”

“Another record for Baby DonDon! I’m the biggest. I’m the best.”

“Yes, Baby DonDon.”

“Paulie, is our campaign staff suicidal, as some have said?”

“Technically? Technically, no. I think those were all cries for help more than serious attempts.”

The following two tabs change content below.
Andrew Feinberg is the author of Four Score and Seven, a novel that imagines Abe Lincoln comes back to life for two weeks during the 2016 campaign and encounters a candidate who, some say, resembles Donald Trump. It is available on Amazon. He is the author or co-author of five non-fiction books. His political journalism and humor have appeared in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Playboy, GQ, Barron's and Kiplinger's Personal Finance.

Latest posts by Andrew Feinberg (see all)