I Can Too Act Presidential, Asshole

August 5, 2016

Dogimages (1)

So lots of armchair shrinks, like David Brooks o

f the New York Times, are saying Baby DonDon lacks empathy. May they all die a slow, painful death.

Just because as a kid I used to throw rocks at babies in playpens—hitting them was so cool and they never expected it—and as a businessman and candidate I love torturing my opponents doesn’t mean I lack empathy. Folks, I have tons of empathy for me, that I can tell you. And I need it. Can you imagine if lots of people were telling the newspapers you were so bad at your job you should quit to make everyone happy?

Let’s say you’re a warehouse forklift operator—I’m just guessing here—and everyone around you was whispering, “Gosh, I wish Lonnie would quit because he keeps messing up. He drives like a drunken baboon. And what’s with his hair? But his contract doesn’t allow us to fire him. How could we make him quit?”

These attacks are taking such a toll that I tried something new today. In a tweet I admitted I had lied about seeing a tape showing us delivering $400 million in cash to Iran. So am I going to fess up to my other lies? Hey, with just 95 days left in the campaign that can’t happen. It would leave me with no time to attack every Republican who is not supporting me and Crooked Hillary.

More polls came out and they weren’t pretty, although there were silver linings. In one poll Crooked Hillary was beating me with African-Americans by 91% to 1%. The good news? Once again, I found my African-American!

As for my relations with women voters, the bitches are after me again. Liz Mair said my “message is being a loud-mouthed dick.” And Peggy Noonan, once the best-looking female columnist in the country until gravity took over and did something weird to her face, titled her new column “The Week They Decided He Was Crazy.” One Republican operative told her I was choking. Look, you anonymous putz, Baby DonDon does not choke! He may nuke, but he doesn’t choke. And Noonan called me “clueless.”

Peggy, Peggy, you used to be a 10, but with every passing day you look more like Gail Collins. I’m sending over a Milk Bone sampler. Woof. Woof.


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Andrew Feinberg is the author of Four Score and Seven, a novel that imagines Abe Lincoln comes back to life for two weeks during the 2016 campaign and encounters a candidate who, some say, resembles Donald Trump. It is available on Amazon. He is the author or co-author of five non-fiction books. His political journalism and humor have appeared in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Playboy, GQ, Barron's and Kiplinger's Personal Finance.

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