The Wrongiest Person

May 2, 2017

Super Baby DonDon is working super hard to find the worst person for every government position. Did you catch my latest move? I appointed Teresa Manning, who has said that “contraception doesn’t work,” to oversee a federal family planning program for low-income people. When it comes to governing, no one has a bigger sense of humor than Super Baby DonDon.

Now, I believe that many decades ago, day in and day out, I proved that contraception does work. (Well, except for Tiffany.) So why did I appoint this dingbat to be the family planning czar? It’s the kind of stuff my base loves.

Did you see that I suggested that Andrew Jackson or someone like me could have negotiated our way around the Civil War? You heard me right, I’m much smarter than Abraham Lincoln, or “Stinkin’ Lincoln” as I now call him. What a loser.

But, hey, my base was never that high on Old Abe. About 20% of my supporters didn’t think Lincoln should have freed the slaves. (Now those guys worked for minimum wage, that I can you.)

And now I will connect the dots. What caused the Civil War? Contraception.

Now you know as much as I do.

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Andrew Feinberg is the author of Four Score and Seven, a novel that imagines Abe Lincoln comes back to life for two weeks during the 2016 campaign and encounters a candidate who, some say, resembles Donald Trump. It is available on Amazon. He is the author or co-author of five non-fiction books. His political journalism and humor have appeared in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Playboy, GQ, Barron's and Kiplinger's Personal Finance.

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