The Slimeathon


September 12, 2016

Folks, it happens to everyone and yesterday it happened to me. Because of poor staff work—yes, Baby DonDon is man enough to blame someone else—we forgot about Rudy “The Mad Doctor” Giuliani’s complete nervous breakdown. So we took him at his word that Crooked Hillary was now a lizard person. Several rounds of waterboarding helped clarify the situation. Rudy now says he never said what he said, never saw what he saw.

And that is good enough for Baby DonDon.

Now I want to make real news. One of my favorite movie scenes comes near the end of Slap Shot, when the Syracuse Bulldogs roster changes stun the hockey announcer. The team of reactivated reprobates includes Tim “Dr. Hook” McCracken, Ross “Mad Dog” Madison, Clarence “Screaming Buffalo” Swamptown, Andre “Poodle” Lussier, Gilmore Tuttle and Ogie Oglethorpe, who was deported to Canada but Canada refused to accept him.

I’m proud I have assembled a similar team. I’ve got the recently fired (Roger Ailes, Bill Stepien and Corey Lewandowski, who was fired by me), the long-ago fired for dirty tricks so vile they violated even Republican standards (David Bossie), the stone-cold racist (Steve Bannon, Sheriff Joe Arpaio) and some of the most obnoxious surrogates ever seen.

Relying on this embarrassment of riches, we will put on a 24-hour televised Slimeathon to raise money and recapture the terrifying dystopian vision of our convention.

*A brigade of Trumpster Youth will take target practice at life-size Hillary heads from 50 yards and also compete in the Molotov cocktail toss

* Dr. Ben Carson will explain how he knows that Hillary, if elected, will change the address of the White House to 666 Pennsylvania Avenue

*Steve Bannon will deliver his spirited “White Makes Right” speech

*Several times an hour illegal aliens will be dumped in a vat of slime prior to their deportation

*Mike “Shithap” Pence will speak about his Christian values. Both inside and outside the hall, this is a cue for a bathroom break.

*Several surrogates, including the execrable Boris Epshteyn, will give vicious anti-Hillary speeches slowly to enhance our appeal to the uneducated. I love the poorly educated!

*Vlad “His Badness” Putin will arrive topless on horseback and call me “brilliant.” Hey, Vlad, remember: we have a deal. Crimea, you know what I’m saying.

*My beloved Melania, in a bikini and high heels, will bark like a dog for Roger Ailes. Roger loves that and, frankly, so does Melania.

*My personal physician, Dr. Harold “Whatever You Say” Bornstein, will explain why I am the healthiest presidential candidate in history and why Crooked Hillary is William Henry Harrison in a pantsuit.

*I will give several speeches. Topics will include Why There Is No “Lie” in Slime—oh, there is?—and why it is so important to have heavily armed poll watchers on Election Day. If you kill someone, I will pay your legal expenses.

*Finally, we will bring out 90-year-old Jerry Lewis, the telethon master, and some of his kids with muscular dystrophy. I will then mock the movement of the kids.

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Andrew Feinberg is the author of Four Score and Seven, a novel that imagines Abe Lincoln comes back to life for two weeks during the 2016 campaign and encounters a candidate who, some say, resembles Donald Trump. It is available on Amazon. He is the author or co-author of five non-fiction books. His political journalism and humor have appeared in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Playboy, GQ, Barron's and Kiplinger's Personal Finance.

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