Strong Like Bull


September 13, 2016

So Baby DonDon keeps getting asked why he respects dictators so much. People have been pointing to a 2004 Apprentice promo video in which I say, “This is a dictatorship and I’m the dictator” and saying gotcha, Baby DonDon, gotcha. We’ll see how often you say “gotcha” once I open up my gulag.

Nowadays, I don’t like the word “dictator.” A far more appropriate term is “strong guy.” And, yeah, I like strong guys. I’ve learned a lot from them.

First, I’ve learned how to be popular. Vlad Putin, with an 82% approval rating, is a great example. The people love their Vlad—and well they should. He is determined to make Russia great again. But Vlad’s popularity is nothing compared to that of North Korea’s Kim Jong-un. Do you know he got 100% of the votes in his home district? Granted, there was no one else on the ballot, but still. And the turnout in the district was 100%, which is incredible. Do North Koreans love to vote or what? You know, if 100% of white Americans voted, I would win in a walk. (Kellyanne, there must be something we can do about that.)

And I’ve learned how to be a better politician. Hitler wasn’t just a great orator. He was a great scapegoater. Very important. Mussolini had that great thing with his chin. Very strong chin, very strong. He also picked all of Italy’s newspaper editors, which is just a great idea. (Hey, Jeff Bezos, meet Corey Lewandowski, the new editor of the Washington Post.) And the Italian people thought they had a free press. Brilliant.

Stalin was a cult of personality genius. He had tons of things named for him, which I can relate to. And he accepted some cool titles like Brilliant Genius of Humanity and Gardener of Human Happiness. Esquire’s Charles Pierce calls me El Caudillo del Mar-a-Lago (the leader of Mar-a-Lago), but I’m hoping for something fancier. Also, something tells me Pierce may be sarcastic here, and I just hate sarcasm.

Mao said “political power grows out of the barrel of a gun.” Very strong on the Second Amendment, very strong. Mao was also detail-oriented and liked to participate in torture sessions. Me, I’m more inclined to delegate that stuff. That’s what lawyers are for.

In focusing primarily on killing the educated elites of Cambodia, Pol Pot showed great respect for the poorly educated. Me too!

Sometimes, strong guys go a little too far. Kim Jong-un has talked about launching nuclear strikes on Los Angeles and Washington D.C., where I might be living soon. That’s too strong. But I think we can all relate to his ordering the execution of his uncle in 2013. Hey, family. Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.

But back to Vlad. I’ve got so much sympathy for the guy. When your nation’s pinnacle of ruthlessness is Stalin, who killed 40 million people, it’s hard to measure up. So, historically speaking, Vlad’s been kind of restrained. On some days, though, I think he must be a fan of Alex Jones and the Truthers. Word is that some Chechen terror attacks were actually staged by Vlad, so he could have an excuse for a second war with Chechnya. So, if Hillary opens up a big lead again . . . . Just thinking out loud here.

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Andrew Feinberg is the author of Four Score and Seven, a novel that imagines Abe Lincoln comes back to life for two weeks during the 2016 campaign and encounters a candidate who, some say, resembles Donald Trump. It is available on Amazon. He is the author or co-author of five non-fiction books. His political journalism and humor have appeared in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Playboy, GQ, Barron's and Kiplinger's Personal Finance.

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