Hillary Replaced by Shape-shifting Alien Lizard (But Don’t Tell Anyone Yet)


September 11, 2016

Baby DonDon had hoped to avoid posting today because I wanted to spend every hour honoring the memory of the hundreds of friends who died in the 9/11 attacks, even though I can’t name one. The people who died are like bible verses. I love so many I can remember none of them.

Today is the most important day of the campaign. Crooked Hillary left the Ground Zero commemorative event after 90 minutes. Her campaign said she was suffering from the heat and is now fine.

This is a lie. I was there right next to Rudy “The Mad Doctor” Giuliani, but Rudy had a better view of Hillary. He saw her die! Then Rudy saw a green lizard enter her dead body and Hillary—with the shape-shifting lizard inside her—came back to life. According to Alex Jones, my favorite conspiracy theorist, these alien lizards are intent on destroying humanity.

I will let the remarkable Mr. Jones continue the story: “Baby DonDon, you are a wonderful, brilliant man and I hope everyone reading this understands how important today is,” Jones said. “You are all that stands between humanity and the destruction of our species. I have looked at the tape of the 9/11 event and I agree with Rudy ‘The Mad Doctor’ Giuliani that Hillary died and was replaced by a shape-shifting lizard intent on destroying us. Hillary was a menace when she was a godless liberal Democrat. Now that she is a lizard-person, the stakes of this election are much higher. God be with you, Baby DonDon. Please save us from the lizard people.”

Alex, Rudy and all of you smart enough to be reading this: I will save you. I alone can save you.

But I have to be careful. I know there are millions of voters who can’t handle the truth. I can’t go public yet with this shape-shifting lizard news. For now, let’s keep it between us. If I lose the first debate bigly—like that could happen—I may then release this information. Trust me to find the right time.

And please be vigilant about keeping the lizards from invading your body.

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Andrew Feinberg is the author of Four Score and Seven, a novel that imagines Abe Lincoln comes back to life for two weeks during the 2016 campaign and encounters a candidate who, some say, resembles Donald Trump. It is available on Amazon. He is the author or co-author of five non-fiction books. His political journalism and humor have appeared in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Playboy, GQ, Barron's and Kiplinger's Personal Finance.

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