The Skinny on Pizzagate


December 7, 2016

Big date today, people. Hey, infamy, that’s my middle name.

So yesterday Super Baby DonDon fired crackpot Michael Flynn, the son of crackpot General Michael Flynn, my pick for national security adviser. Crackpot the Younger kept tweeting crazy conspiracy theories. His most recent obsession was Pizzagate, the notion that Hillary Clinton and other Democrats were running a child sex trafficking ring from tunnels under Comet Ping Pong, a Washington D.C. pizza joint. Sad. Bad.

From now on, Steve Bannon and I will provide you with much better, artisanal conspiracy theories. We will subject them to extreme vetting and then curate them for your enjoyment. We will pick the best theories from InfoWars, Breitbart and other wingnut sources. What we simply cannot have is different people in the administration spouting contradictory conspiracy theories.

Our conspiracy outreach program will not be like Oliver Stone’s JFK. By the end of that movie, you thought everyone except Kevin Costner and Sissy Spacek was in on the conspiracy. That’s so wrong! And Stone left out Ted Cruz’s father, which is even wronger.

Above all, we will be disciplined. In the words of Benjamin Disraeli, who had something to do with Brexit, I think: “There are lies, stupid lies and really freakin’ stupid lies that no one would ever believe even if you swore on your mother’s grave.”

Steve and Super Baby DonDon will concentrate on the first two categories.

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Andrew Feinberg is the author of Four Score and Seven, a novel that imagines Abe Lincoln comes back to life for two weeks during the 2016 campaign and encounters a candidate who, some say, resembles Donald Trump. It is available on Amazon. He is the author or co-author of five non-fiction books. His political journalism and humor have appeared in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Playboy, GQ, Barron's and Kiplinger's Personal Finance.

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