December 15, 2016
Super Baby DonDon has been super busy trying to find the worst people for each cabinet position, while humiliating and tormenting others who are more qualified. (Thanks for playing, Mitt.) This is not nearly as easy as you might think. Some of the worst people don’t want to serve with Super Baby DonDon.
Even Dr. Ben Carson played hard to get. If you had the “Sorry, gone fishing” look of Ben Carson, would you play hard to get?
But now I have a secretary of labor, Andy Puzder, who hates workers and an EPA nominee, Scott Pruitt, who hates the environment. When someone called Pruitt “a fossil fuel whore,” he said “I prefer the word ‘escort.’”
But, hey, Rick Perry? Yowza. What was I going to do, pick Jeb Bush to head Energy? Remember when Rick said “a broken clock is right once a day”? Well, I’ll have him serve as the timekeeper at cabinet meetings. Can you handle that, Rick? All I know is that when Rick leaves for Washington, the average IQ in Texas will jump six points.
And Exxon Mobil CEO Rex Tillerson, Putin’s buddy, as secretary of state? Look, the guy runs the biggest company in the world and now I’ll be his boss. The man’s going to be my bitch, how cool is that?
I’m looking forward to the first time Rex gets out of line. At a cabinet meeting, I’ll pass around a note to all the department heads saying, “Rex takes it up the ass.”
Rex will be the last to see it and then he’ll say, “Hey, at the University of Texas I was voted the guy least likely to take it up the ass. I’ve got the framed certificate in my office at the state department.”
“But Steve Bannon has photos,” I’ll say.
“They have to be fake.”
“Fake, not fake. Who’s to say these days? Those distinctions are so yesterday. But anyway, Rex, I’ve got an important pouch for you to take to Vlad the Magnificent. You can be my Moscow Mule. Just put it where the sun don’t shine. I hear there’s lots of room.”