The Media Be Stupid

Stupid Media

March 1, 2017

I watched MSNBC last night and this morning after my TOTALLY fabulous speech and I was amazed at what I heard. Many hosts, including Chris “The Demented Normalizer” Matthews and Joe “Super Baby DonDon is Really Nice When You Get to Know Him” Scarborough, thought I was good. They liked my new tone. They thought I might turn into a facsimile of a human being.

Hah!

People are so stupid. The media is stupid. Or is that the media are stupid? Wait, I’ve got it. The media be stupid.

Did they not notice that on the day of my speech, in which I condemned hate crimes and anti-Semitism in the first paragraph, I also suggested that the bomb threats to Jewish community centers might be false flags, threats made by my opponents—maybe even by the Jews—to make me look bad? Talk about a warped conspiracy theory that warms the chestnuts of my base.

They gave me points for entering and exiting by shaking hands of members of Congress just like a normal president and refraining from grabbing Nancy Pelosi’s pussy. (Doing so would have been snatching defeat from the jaws of victory.)

They didn’t all make fun of my pledge to drain the swamp with billionaire insiders or my promise to give people “clean air and clean water.” Why else would I appoint someone to head the EPA who wants to destroy the EPA?

And they said little about VOICE, that thing Steve Bannon made me put in after threatening me with the release of my Moscow porn tapes. VOICE, which is straight outta Breitbart, is a new program from the Department of Homeland Security and stands for Victims of Immigrant Crime Engagement. (Yeah, I know, it sounds like something from the Naked Gun movies.)

Immigrants commit fewer crimes per capita than native-born Americans, but Super Baby DonDon is too smart to tell that to people. (Like almost all facts, this one is so totally inconvenient.) So I suggest the opposite and my base loves it and the 73 undecided American voters love it too.

I’m all for a free press—if it’s stupid enough.

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Andrew Feinberg

Andrew Feinberg is the author of Four Score and Seven, a novel that imagines Abe Lincoln comes back to life for two weeks during the 2016 campaign and encounters a candidate who, some say, resembles Donald Trump. It is available on Amazon. He is the author or co-author of five non-fiction books. His political journalism and humor have appeared in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Playboy, GQ, Barron's and Kiplinger's Personal Finance.
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