The Eve of Destruction


July 17, 2016

So the convention starts tomorrow in Cleveland—the mistake on the lake—but I don’t want to talk about that. People keep asking me for death toll estimates. I don’t know, 20, 40, 60? But no bold-faced names. Bikers for Trump will be there. Remember, little protesters, I warned you.

No, what Baby DonDon wants to talk about is that anal wart Ezra Klein of Vox. This numbnuts said my introduction of Mike Pence yesterday was “outside the mainstream for normal human behavior.” He called it the “single most bizarre, impulsive, narcissistic performance I have ever seen from a major politician.”  And he said it was ironic that the song playing before the event was the Rolling Stones’ “You Can’t Always Get What You Want.” Like Mike Pence would know what the “ironic” means. They don’t do irony in Indiana. They just do biscuits and gravy.

Klein dissed me for leaving the stage when Pence spoke. Hey, my job is to speak, not listen. So, little Ezra Klein—lyin’ Klein—your attack makes me wonder where I should put our gulag for journalists. I had been thinking North Dakota, but then I spent a year last week in Indianapolis, so I’m not sure. I’ll let you know. Until then, though, I am keeping the nuclear option open.

And said that when I finally got around to mentioning Pence almost everything I said was wrong. I praised him for balancing the state’s budget, but they said 49 states require balanced budgets. Who knew? Nit-picking asswipes. They also said Indiana’s decline in unemployment merely tracked the national trend. Don’t they know I can’t say that without giving credit to the Kenyan Muslim in the White House?

And then Dana Milbank, the douchenugget Washington Post columnist, said I let my followers call President Obama a “monkey” at my rallies and said nothing when people said “hang the bitch” after I mentioned Crooked Hillary. Hey, people can say what they want. I believe in the First Amendment—occasionally. Milbank pointed out that my supporter Carl Paladino had tweeted Lynch@LorettaLynch. Okay, Carl is a great guy but he is a bigotburger. I promise, if he does this 12 more times I’ll give him a timeout.

So how about Trump/Pence as the “law and order” ticket? Nice, huh? I’m the law, and I give orders to Pence. I love it! Roger Stone said I should use the “law and order” tag and then said, “It’s pretty great that you’re the defendant in fraud suits from coast to coast but you picked the ‘law and order’ label. Is politics fun or what?”

We’ll see just how much fun in Cleveland.

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Andrew Feinberg is the author of Four Score and Seven, a novel that imagines Abe Lincoln comes back to life for two weeks during the 2016 campaign and encounters a candidate who, some say, resembles Donald Trump. It is available on Amazon. He is the author or co-author of five non-fiction books. His political journalism and humor have appeared in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Playboy, GQ, Barron's and Kiplinger's Personal Finance.

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