Melania and Scott Baio!!


July 18, 2016

People can be so cruel. Here I am, basking in the glow of my convention’s opening night, waiting, like Abe Lincoln, to hear the first reports about casualties, and some dingleberry sends me a photo of Trump toilet paper sold by a store in San Francisco. This I can tell you, the store will soon change its name to Ground Zero.

Last night Mike Pennsylvania and I wowed them on 60 Minutes. I lied to Lesley Stahl about having been against the Iraq war from the start and, to quote Woody Allen, “She bought it.” You know, I hate the press, but I love messing with their heads. They’re usually so unprepared you can get away with murder. Last night I tried out a new line. I told Lesley Stahl I was humble. She laughed, but she didn’t fall off her chair or end the interview. So I will use the line on some other journalist losers and mess them up.

I am so proud of my veep pick. His decision to close lots of Planned Parenthood clinics in Indiana showed real courage. He and I agree that the best way to preserve people’s health is to close places that provide healthcare. That will encourage people not to get sick. Isn’t that obvious?

Do not miss tonight’s unbelievable AAA-rated slate of convention speakers. We will have the lovely Melania, Rick Perry, Scott Baio of Joanie Loves Chachi (was that pre-Apprentice TV at its finest or what?) and, to add just a pinch of racism to the stew, that legend-in-his-own-mind, Rudy Giuliani.

Tony Schwartz, my collaborator on The Art of the Deal, wasn’t very nice in the current New Yorker. He said my election would lead to “the end of civilization.” You call that loyalty?

If Tony were still a journalist, I would find a spot for him in my new journalist gulag. Since I first mentioned the idea yesterday, the response has been phenomenal. I have heard from so many builders who want to do the project. Folks, we will build a wall and we will build a gulag! We will build so much new gleaming infrastructure you won’t believe it. And we’ll get the money from new taxes on Jeff Bezos and Amazon.

Okay, Cleveland, let’s get ready to rumble!!!

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Andrew Feinberg is the author of Four Score and Seven, a novel that imagines Abe Lincoln comes back to life for two weeks during the 2016 campaign and encounters a candidate who, some say, resembles Donald Trump. It is available on Amazon. He is the author or co-author of five non-fiction books. His political journalism and humor have appeared in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Playboy, GQ, Barron's and Kiplinger's Personal Finance.

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