September 5, 2016
See, I told you I could look presidential. Do I look good up there or what? I love how my hair almost hits Abe Lincoln in the face. My hair is a weapon, that I can tell you.
As the race tightens, I’m daydreaming about what will happen after my two great terms as president. ISIS will be gone. North Korea will be gone. Iran gone. Syria gone. Mexico gone. China gone. The Washington Post-Apocalypse will be gone. Sarajevo will be known as Putingrad, Vienna as Putingrad West.
My name will be on avenues, convention centers, schools (Trump University!), highway rest stops, cities, countries (Trumpistan!), steaks and currency (sorry, Ben, you’re off the hundred). The Art of the Deal and my new memoir, Better than Abe, Better than George, will be taught in schools throughout the world.
Our economy will boom as we get back to the business of making nuclear weapons again, because I used so many while I was president. “To the victor go the spoils” will once again have meaning in our fair land as we colonize the globe.
As promised, I will make America great again. I will make Donald J. Trump great again. Just as George Foreman has five sons named George and a daughter Georgette, you will see American families in which all the boys are named Donald and girls are named Donna.
Folks, together you and I–well mostly I–will change the world. It is going to be freakin’ unbelievable.
I can’t wait, can you?