The Best Non-Consensual Sex I Ever Had


October 9, 2016

Yes, many people have been dumping on Baby DonDon since that Access Hollywood tape leaked on Friday, but Baby DonDon is fighting back. I have contacted 43 of my conquests and they have issued this signed statement:

I never knew non-consensual sex could be so much fun. Initially, I was against being groped by Baby DonDon, but ultimately the surprise body cavity search turned into a very positive experience. His ultra-fresh breath smelled of Tic Tacs (I LOVE Tic Tacs) and I was only slightly weirded out when he kept spraying Purell on me during our tryst.

When it was over, he asked, “Who da man? Who da man? Who da man?”

You da man, Baby DonDon, you da man.

Then you said you’d pay me to say nice things about you to the press. The more anatomically vivid the testimonial, the better. “But what about Melania?” I said.

“Sex with Melania is almost consensual,” Baby DonDon said, “so it’s kind of boring. You know me, I love the pursuit. The less interested a woman is in me, the more excited I get.”

Oops, ladies, many thanks for that statement, but I gotta go. Time for me to hit on Michelle Obama and Rosie O’Donnell.

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Andrew Feinberg is the author of Four Score and Seven, a novel that imagines Abe Lincoln comes back to life for two weeks during the 2016 campaign and encounters a candidate who, some say, resembles Donald Trump. It is available on Amazon. He is the author or co-author of five non-fiction books. His political journalism and humor have appeared in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Playboy, GQ, Barron's and Kiplinger's Personal Finance.

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