Live from a Trailer Near You, The Paula Jones Show


October 10, 2016

Is Baby DonDon a class act or what? I was totally on my game last night and I had Crooked Hillary groping for answers all night. She groped when I pushed her about the emails, groped about taxes, groped about Syria. She did more groping in one night than I’ve ever done. (Well, maybe not, but that has the makings of a good sound bite, no?)

And wasn’t my sniffling fantastic? My team of psychologists has concluded that Hillary hates being sniffed at, so I did more than twice as many sniffs as in the first debate. Sometimes I double- and triple-sniffed her. What a masterstroke! Pure genius. Threw her off totally. And, naturally, I also won the Strategic Lurking contest and the Feces Toss near the end of the debate. I hope the kiddies stayed up for that.

Baby DonDon may not win this election—it is so freakin’ rigged—but I think I have already taught the American people a lot of important things. First, defend your greatest liability by attacking your opponent for being the one who REALLY has the problem in that area. Me, I lie all the time. It’s what I do. But I kept calling Hillary a liar last night. She could have said, “No, no, no, you Baby DonDon are the biggest liar in the room,” but that sounds immature.

Second, learn from the leaders you admire most. I learned from Vlad “The Impaler” Putin that the best way to create consensus is to lock up your political enemies or shoot them. (Remember, my sons Uday and Qusay are really good shots.) I was man enough to tell Crooked Hillary this was my plan. That is true transparency.

Finally, if the election is stolen from me, I will start a new alt-right TV network with Steve Bannon, Roger Ailes and David Duke. Clinton accuser Juanita Broaddrick will have her own show. Ditto Kathleen Willey. And Paula Jones too, broadcasting directly from her trailer. We will do character assassination 24/7. It will be so great. We will establish a permanent home for all the people with Clinton Derangement Syndrome.

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Andrew Feinberg is the author of Four Score and Seven, a novel that imagines Abe Lincoln comes back to life for two weeks during the 2016 campaign and encounters a candidate who, some say, resembles Donald Trump. It is available on Amazon. He is the author or co-author of five non-fiction books. His political journalism and humor have appeared in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Playboy, GQ, Barron's and Kiplinger's Personal Finance.

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