My Debate with Melania


October 8, 2016

Sheepishly, I made my way to Melania’s gilded home office. She glared at me with that Eastern European supermodel stare of superiority—the Slovenian Sneer. My immense manhood shrank. Here is what followed.

Melania: Hello, Mr. Pussy Grabber. Grab any good pussy while you were away?

Baby DonDon: Melania, I was just joking. It was my natural braggadociusness. Surely, you’ve seen it before, oh woman with tits like the Himalayas.

Melania: I and my surgically enhanced bosoms have seen it and had it up to here. You are eternally full of shit. Your word is no good, you birther-brained barfbag. I am wearing the chastity belt again.

BDD: Not the belt! Again?

Melania: And I have given the key to Roger Ailes.

BDD: Roger Ailes! Oh my darling, that is so cruel and really in such bad taste. Has he molested you?

Melania: No, but you have molested my soul.

BDD: But you married me. I assumed that meant you had no soul. Still, I am sorry. I apologize if anyone was offended. Look, don’t forget the prenup.

Melania: Oh, it’s always money with you, money, money, money. You greedy, grasping obese tub of lard.

BDD: But don’t you want to be First Lady?

Melania: Not going to happen, you stupid egomaniac. This tape of yours has ended your chance of winning and it may destroy the Republican Party. If it ruins the party, you may go broke when Republicans, Democrats and Independents boycott your businesses. The Trump Organization could go the way of Trump Steaks.

BDD: I told you NEVER to mention Trump Steaks! Are you saying running for president could cost me money even after I have paid my companies tens of millions of dollars for using the plane, Mar-a-Lago, etc., etc.?

Melania: I guess so, Mr. Big Shot.

BDD: But what about the alt-right TV network I’ll be starting with Roger Ailes and Steve Bannon and other bigots and molesters of women?

Melania: Guess again, asshat. I am starting the network with Roger and Steve. We might allow you to do occasional commentaries. And you will be paid an allowance.

BDD: Oh, no, not an allowance again. You really know how to hurt a Baby DonDon.

Melania: I learned from the best. Or, really, the worst. Little Barron is so ashamed of you. He told me you said the best way to get pussy is to grab it.

BDD: Well, I said that was only valid in certain situations. I just want him to grow up like Don Jr. and Eric.

Melania: Uday and Qusay? Baby DonDon, it’s time you realized your older sons are total creeps.

BDD: But you have to admit Ivanka is a piece of ass. Just like you, my dearest Lady of the Perpetual Sneer.

Melania: Sweet talk won’t work with me, you orange heap of dung. I can’t believe it, but I married a loser!

BDD: No, not a loser. Never, never, never. Take it back, please take it back! Baby DonDon is not a loser. Am not, am not, am not.

Melania: Okay, okay, I’ll take it back. For now. Just stop being a whiny little bitch. Go for a long walk in Central Park. But first tell Roger to come here. And be sure he brings his key.

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Andrew Feinberg is the author of Four Score and Seven, a novel that imagines Abe Lincoln comes back to life for two weeks during the 2016 campaign and encounters a candidate who, some say, resembles Donald Trump. It is available on Amazon. He is the author or co-author of five non-fiction books. His political journalism and humor have appeared in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Playboy, GQ, Barron's and Kiplinger's Personal Finance.

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