Pence as in Dense

July 15, 2016

So yes, yes, yes, I thought of voting against Pence after I voted for him. If you had spent hours talking to him and his dipstick family, you would have had second thoughts, too. It’s actually a point in my favor.

But some of what’s been said is too harsh. A House staffer who worked with Pence said he’s eaten “salads that had more brains than Mike Pence.” As a CEO, I want to know: what kind of salads?

Yes, Pence said in 2000 that cigarettes don’t kill. Well, I once said asbestos was good for you. So that’s a wash.

And Mike has called global warming “a myth.” I have called it a scam. I think we can have a true meeting of the minds on this one.

As for his embarrassing flip-flop last year on the religious liberty bill, I understand this is a tricky issue if you are a Republican. You want to please your devout and rabidly bigoted followers, but you don’t want to have corporations catch you doing it. Even I, the amazing Baby DonDon, don’t always do this perfectly. It’s hard.

Finally, as governor Mike tried to start a state-controlled news service, but backed down when some called it a Soviet idea. Me, I liked it. Anything that eliminates the Washington Post from news-gathering is freakin’ fantastic.

As for that CNN headline “Indiana GOP to Trump: Take Mike Pence, Please!” I have a headline of my own to offer. “Trump to Indiana: Thanks for Nothing and Drop Dead.”

Folks, Newt and Cwis Cwistie were too smart for their own good. Mike Pence, not so much.

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Andrew Feinberg is the author of Four Score and Seven, a novel that imagines Abe Lincoln comes back to life for two weeks during the 2016 campaign and encounters a candidate who, some say, resembles Donald Trump. It is available on Amazon. He is the author or co-author of five non-fiction books. His political journalism and humor have appeared in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Playboy, GQ, Barron's and Kiplinger's Personal Finance.

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