Steel Balls and Corey


August 14, 2016

Where are my strawberries? Some asshat took them! Melania! Melania! Where are my freakin’ strawberries?

All I have are these stupid metal balls Ivanka gave me. “Daddy, make believe they’re Bill Clinton’s balls. Or Elizabeth Warren’s balls.”

Well, that should help. I won’t do a deal unless I can crush someone’s balls. I am The Ballcrusher.

But I miss my Corey Lewandowski. Where did they put my Corey? Oh, right, he was kidnapped by the Clinton News Network. What was great about Corey was that no matter what I said, no matter who I slimed, his response was always, “Let Trump be Trump. Let Baby DonDon be Baby DonDon.”

Now everyone just wants to do an intervention. Reince Priebus calls five or six times a day. You know how much fun that is? You want to talk to Reince Priebus five or six times a day? Here, I’ll give you his number.

A Republican strategist told Reuters that my campaign was a “disaster of biblical proportion.” No half-measures for Baby DonDon!

But Reuters is so dishonest for reporting what the dweeb said. The media are disgusting. If they were honest I would be beating Crooked Hillary by 70 points, maybe 80 points. Because the press is so dishonest, I have a great new idea. I will only allow Fox News to cover me. I will require all networks to carry the Fox coverage. This is brilliant! No one has ever thought of this. And, finally, life will be fair to Baby DonDon. The only way I have a chance is if the public has to watch fake news 24/7.

Does Baby DonDon have big ideas or what?

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Andrew Feinberg is the author of Four Score and Seven, a novel that imagines Abe Lincoln comes back to life for two weeks during the 2016 campaign and encounters a candidate who, some say, resembles Donald Trump. It is available on Amazon. He is the author or co-author of five non-fiction books. His political journalism and humor have appeared in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Playboy, GQ, Barron's and Kiplinger's Personal Finance.

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