Slumlord Millionaire

May 28, 2017

So after kicking butt in the Middle East and Europe this past week—they won’t want to see me any time soon, that I can tell you—I relaxed today by reading the story in the New York Times Magazine about Jared being a vicious landlord. Hey, Jared, would you rather be called Slumlord Millionaire or Scumdog Millionaire? I like both.

Now, back in the day, I tried to clear out my tenants on Central Park South by turning off their hot water in the winter and encouraging rodent infestation year-round. Then I offered to house the homeless in any vacant apartments. Hey, I love the homeless! I figured my tenants would, too.

But, Jared, Jared, you weren’t trying to get rid of tenants. You just did everything you could to squeeze every last shekel out of them. (No offense meant on that shekel reference. I mean, Ivanka’s Jewish for now, until she converts back after you’re sentenced to prison.) You even made it harder for people to pay rent on time so you could slime another $40 or $50 late fee out of them. And when you let raw sewage back up into some apartments, my God, that was genius. I never thought of that one.

And letting everyone in an apartment complex know who was behind on rent, wow, are you smart or what? I’m putting a link to the Times/ProPublica below because it’s so inspiring.

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Andrew Feinberg is the author of Four Score and Seven, a novel that imagines Abe Lincoln comes back to life for two weeks during the 2016 campaign and encounters a candidate who, some say, resembles Donald Trump. It is available on Amazon. He is the author or co-author of five non-fiction books. His political journalism and humor have appeared in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Playboy, GQ, Barron's and Kiplinger's Personal Finance.

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