Slave to Fashion

July 11, 2016

So that douchewaffle Chris Cilizza has a story in today’s Washington Post titled “Trump is making a real mess of his campaign.”

Am not, am not, you double-douchewaffle. My campaign is the best. Why else would an esteemed politician like Bobby Knight endorse me?

But I gotta tell ya, I will make a real mess of Chris Cilizza’s face. Given how mean and dishonest the Washington Post is, their offices might be ground zero for my suitcase nuke test. I just have to be sure owner Jeff Bezos is in town then. We’ll see how often the Washington Post-Apocalypse publishes.

Isn’t plotting revenge just the best?

So today the New York Times, which will be the most dishonest paper in the country once the Washington Post is toast, has a story saying that my tax cut plan will be a bonanza for the super-rich. Folks, there aren’t that many super-rich people and my tax plan is just another example of sensitivity to minority groups. I love all minority groups, and that includes the super-rich.

And there’s another minority group I really care about and that’s the nearly 20% of my primary supporters who, according to a YouGov/Economist poll, thought the Emancipation Proclamation was a bad idea. Do you know what courage it takes to admit this to pollsters in 2016? I mean, it’s so politically correct now to say you’re against slavery. It’s like the thing to do, like eating kale and avocado toast and other weird green stuff that Baby DonDon does not like at all. I bet people even put it in their profiles. (Or maybe I should say eHarmony because that’s more religious and I love religion! Merry Christmas! Happy Kwanzaa!)

I just love the courage and the passion of my supporters—and their unwillingness to bow down to the political correctness police. Even Abe Lincoln saw merit in this position. In a letter to Horace Greeley in August 1862, Lincoln said, “If I could save the union without freeing any slave I would do it . . . .”

So here you have the greatest Republican of them all—until now—saying, like, what’s the big deal with ending slavery? There’s a time and place for everything. “To everything (turn, turn, turn)/There is a season (turn, turn, turn).” Clearly, my supporters who share this Lincoln position deserve my appreciation. Not that I’m for slavery. I’m just for all people who refuse to be politically correct.

That’s why I think one of my biggest and best leadership qualities is my refusal to apologize for anything I say. This gives other people the courage not to apologize for things they have said. And pretty soon we could have a whole country full of people never apologizing for anything they said.

Folks, it feels fantastic to think you’re never wrong. It is a total gas, that I can tell you. Please, get in touch with your inner two-year-old. I have.

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Andrew Feinberg is the author of Four Score and Seven, a novel that imagines Abe Lincoln comes back to life for two weeks during the 2016 campaign and encounters a candidate who, some say, resembles Donald Trump. It is available on Amazon. He is the author or co-author of five non-fiction books. His political journalism and humor have appeared in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Playboy, GQ, Barron's and Kiplinger's Personal Finance.

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