Nixon’s the One

July 12, 2016

So I was rereading TrumpNation: The Art of Being the Donald and again saw this awful stuff written by a phlegmwad who lives in Idaho: “Just try to imagine Donald Trump without all his money, and basically we’d be talking about a guy who couldn’t pick up a drunk hooker at a Holiday Inn happy hour.”

Unfair! Unfair I say, so unfair. Unfair to me and to drunk hookers everywhere. Does this Idaho inbreeder not notice how suave I am? Does he deny how quick Baby DonDon is on his feet? Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee. Shame on him. And if you ever see me at a Holiday Inn happy hour, please shoot me.

Google says he is nixon

What this Idaho dirtbag clearly needs is some of the “law and order” I spoke about yesterday in Virginia. Roger Stone—he of the Nixon tattoo—tells me that Nixon is the only man other than FDR who won three presidential elections. (He really won in 1960, but Mayor Daley and the mob stole Illinois for JFK.) So I will milk this “silent majority” crap for all its worth. White folks just love it. They know the code. Now I know some of you girly men out there will point out that Nixon committed four felonies, according to Woodward and Bernstein. To you I say: they were the wrong felonies. Why mess around with break-ins and hush money when you could instead order torture, assorted war crimes and assaults on your own civilians.

That’s right, if I’m elected all cops will undergo three months of intense training at NORAD. There they will learn how to launch surprise nuclear attacks on demonstrators who refuse to disburse or respect curfews. Even the smallest nuke in our arsenal would be amazing at crowd control, that I can tell you. And you cannot overestimate the value of the surprise factor if you nuked demonstrators in, say, Atlanta.

That’s my idea of “law and order.” And, thinking of Nixon again, my idea of a vice president is Spiro Agnew. Now there was a man who knew how to attack the press. I mean, “nattering nabobs of negativism.” Just beautiful. Oh, I miss him. He could have taught Baby DonDon so much.

Were the Sixties tremendous or what?

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Andrew Feinberg is the author of Four Score and Seven, a novel that imagines Abe Lincoln comes back to life for two weeks during the 2016 campaign and encounters a candidate who, some say, resembles Donald Trump. It is available on Amazon. He is the author or co-author of five non-fiction books. His political journalism and humor have appeared in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Playboy, GQ, Barron's and Kiplinger's Personal Finance.

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