Poop Happens

July 11, 2016

Let’s talk about conspiracy theories. I love ‘em. Don’t you? They remind me of when Mommy used to come into Baby DonDon’s bedroom to tell me a story. I loved those stories so much. I miss Mommy, but thank goodness I have found lots of new strange stories out there.

As Shakespeare said: “There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are something something something something something.” That nails it, no?

This asswipe website Right Wing Watch says I believe in 58 conspiracy theories and that they’re all WRONG. Stupid fartnuggets. What are the odds that 58 theories could all be wrong at the same time? My math tells me it’s about 400 trillion to one. For them all to be wrong would amount to the biggest conspiracy ever.

Okay, make that 59 conspiracy theories.

And now the New York Times says I never sent investigators to Hawaii to research where President Poopypants was actually born. I did too send investigators! And they found amazing things, things so awful and disgusting that I have decided not to reveal them because I am da man and am above such things and I love my country too much to do anything disrespectful to President Diaperload. So now it looks as if it’s the New York Times spreading a conspiracy theory. Gotcha!

And then there’s the issue of how many dangerous, evil, machine-gun-wielding Syrian refugees are coming in. People say I got my 250,000 figure from a fake news article. The New York Times says the president will let only 10,000 in and has so far let in about one-fifth of that number and that they are all carefully vetted. Well, kiss my patootie. Now I ask you, which are you going to believe, a fake news article from a thriving right-wing website or an article in the New York Times, a paper on life support and which will soon be headed for hospice care? (Some of my journalist friends—the few who aren’t total cootie cases—tell me it’s actually harder to write a fake news story than a true news story and this increased difficulty makes the fake news stories more valuable.)

Journalists lie all the time. So it’s up to me to bring you the truth. The great talk show host Alex Jones has come out with new evidence that Michelle Obama is transgender. I’m not saying she is, but doesn’t she look a bit like an NFL tight end to you? And Justice Scalia dead, with a pillow on his face? A pillow on his face! Do you need any more evidence he was killed by President Soiledbottom?

It all depends on how you regard the evidence, of course. And that reminds me of another wonderful Shakespeare quote: “Nothing either good or bad, but something something something something.”

And one final word on quotations: If Bill Maher calls me a “whiny little bitch” one more time, I will nuke him and all his liberal turdmuffin friends in California. That I can tell you.

Just sayin’.

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Andrew Feinberg is the author of Four Score and Seven, a novel that imagines Abe Lincoln comes back to life for two weeks during the 2016 campaign and encounters a candidate who, some say, resembles Donald Trump. It is available on Amazon. He is the author or co-author of five non-fiction books. His political journalism and humor have appeared in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Playboy, GQ, Barron's and Kiplinger's Personal Finance.

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